


My One Constant is Variable

by eysharryfreakingpotter



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Autistic LaFontaine, Autistic Lola Perry, Bisexual Danny Lawrence, Genderqueer Character, Other, actually autistic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-17 00:04:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3507665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eysharryfreakingpotter/pseuds/eysharryfreakingpotter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perry and LaFontaine adjust to Laf's realization about their gender.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My One Constant is Variable

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Alcohol abuse, self injury, panic attacks, misgendering  
> Author note: Takes place the night of Episode 27, after the "Be normal" bit and the library expedition, before LaFontaine disappears and gets pod peopled.

LaFontaine sat at their desk, knees tucked under their chin, staring at their biology homework. It was Friday night and it wasn't due until Tuesday afternoon, so they really didn't need to start it, but they had nothing better to do, since things weren't really comfortable with Perry yet.

Laf sighed, closing their laptop as they realized that they weren't going to be able to do homework tonight. Not when their mind kept wandering back to Perry and their fight and gender and… everything. They began running their hand through their hair, trying to figure out how to make it so they could talk to their best friend again. They had thought coming out as gay had been hard. At least then they'd had Perry by their side.

Just as they'd resigned themselves to a night of laying in bed staring at the ceiling and worrying about their friendship, their phone buzzed. LaFontaine considered ignoring it, but decided that the possibility that it might be Perry would bug them all night if they didn't check it. Reluctantly, they checked their phone, seeing that it was from Danny. Surprised, they opened the message.

 **Danny (9:32 pm)** : Summer Society party 2nite, 10 at our place. Want to come? Might help get your mind off things.

LaFontaine bit their lip, considering. Parties weren't really their thing, especially considering the whole autism thing, but… they really did need a distraction.

 **Laf (9:37 pm)** : Sure, see you in a bit.

 **Danny (9:39)** : Cool! Didn't think you'd come but I'm glad! See you!

LaFontaine smirked at that. Danny had been inviting them to Summer Society parties ever since they'd joined the rugby team at the beginning of the term, but they'd only been to a few. Situations with all those people and all that noise were stressful for them, but it should be better than sitting and thinking about fighting with their best friend.

* * *

 Perry rubbed at an imaginary spot on their window, trying to sort through her thoughts. She hated seeing Su- LaFontaine hurting like this, but she just couldn't understand what was going on with her! Especially not with everything else going on. It was hard enough being in college, and while she liked being floor don that wasn't exactly easy either. Now she was fighting with her best friend, one of the girls on her floor was a vampire, and people were going _missing_.

The last time she'd felt this lost had been freshman year, trying to adjust to living alone and in a dorm and the workload and the million other tiny things that changed between high school and college. Change had always been hard for Perry, like it was for a lot of autistic people. At least every other big transition she'd had LaFontaine to help her through, but now the two of them, who'd been best friends with since second grade, were fighting. LaFontaine had been the one constant through all the other changes in her life, and now, when everything Perry knew was falling down around her, even her best friend had changed.

Perry sighed. Even if she was confused about what LaFontaine was doing, she needed her friend right now. Putting down the spray bottle and rag, she left her room and knocked on LaFontaine's door. Confused when she got no response, she tried the knob and found it locked. Laf must be out somewhere, but where? If it had been anyone else, she would've assumed that she was at a party, but… this was Laf. She didn't like parties. The only thing she did on Friday nights was bake with Perry. Hurt and confused, Perry went back to her room and started dusting her furniture.

* * *

 LaFontaine knocked at the door to the Summer Society house, a knot of dread beginning in their stomach as they looked around at the cars parked there. They hadn't asked what kind of party it was, so Laf had no idea how many people would be there or who was coming. Just as they were considering heading back to their dorm and spending the night alone, Danny opened the door. "Laf! Hey! Glad you could make it." Danny pulled them into a tight hug.

"Hey." LaFontaine was momentarily confused. "So, um, I guess you heard about our fight."

"Yeah. That's pretty rough. But it'll be okay. I know Perry. She'll come around. It'll just take time."

"Yeah, um, she likes normal. And she doesn't like change much." Which LaFontaine should understand, given their shared neurology, but they just had needed her to understand so badly…

"It's okay. It'll just take time. So you might as well have some fun while you wait for that to happen! Come on in. Most of the rugby team is already playing beer pong if you want to say hi to your teammates. Other than that everything's just getting started. Hey, did you walk here?"

"Oh. Oh yeah."

"Dude, I could've given you a ride."

"Oh, um, right. I didn't think of that." Laf normally got rides from Perry, but that wasn't exactly an option right now.

"Hey, let me know when you want to leave. At least let me take you home, okay?"

LaFontaine eyed the keg in the corner. "Are you going to be driving?"

Danny followed their gaze. "Yeah, I'm driving lots of girls home. And people." Danny inclined her head in recognition. A warm feeling spread in Laf's chest at the small acknowledgment. "Don't worry, I'm not drinking."

LaFontaine smiled. "Okay then. Thanks. And thanks for inviting me." Someone else knocked on the door, drawing Danny back to it, and Laf wandered over to the beer pong table.

They were greeted enthusiastically by one of their teammates, an energetic freshman named Alex. "Hey, wanna be my beer pong partner? Katie and Jen are killing everyone." LaFontaine looked over to the table where the the two girls were beating their current opponents handily.

"Yeah, sure, give me a second though." The music had just started and more people were starting to filter in. Laf needed to get some alcohol into their system before it got too much more loud and crowded. They made their way over to the keg and poured themself a cup of beer, chugging it before getting some vodka from the girls starting the punch. There. That should take the edge off of everything. With a warm feeling spreading through them and a slight waver to their step, LaFontaine made their way back over the beer pong table to join Alex in her attempt to break Katie and Jen's winning streak.

* * *

 Perry scrubbed her desk for the third time, getting off imaginary specks of dust, trying to occupy herself with cleaning instead of thinking about LaFontaine and vampires and disappearances and- Perry realized that she'd been vigorously scrubbing the same spot for the last minute. Sighing, she laid down on her bed. She knew college would be different but she'd assumed her and LaFontaine would always be friends. She hadn't really had friends before LaFontaine, so she wasn't sure to do when you fought with one.

Sitting back at her desk, she took a deep breath and opened up her laptop, navigating to her email, opening up the message LaFontaine had sent her a bit after they fought. This whole thing with LaFontaine not wanting to be called Susan was confusing for her, but… how confusing was it for Su- LaFontaine then? Of all the things going on, this seemed the easiest to figure out. Absentmindedly drawing circles on her desk with her fingertips, she began reading through the links in the email.

* * *

 "Hey, how many drinks have you had?" Danny folded herself down next to LaFontaine on the couch where they'd been sitting, a vague look of concern on her face.

"Lost count somewhere." Laf said. They had, sometime after the beer pong game when they'd started drinking the punch. "You're really hot, didja know that?"

"And that tells me it's too many. Get up. You're going home."

"No, 'm good. Really." LaFontaine's protestation did nothing to ease Danny's concern. One of her Summer Society sisters had pulled her aside and asked her if she knew the girl, (well, person actually, but she hadn't known that,) that seemed to be trying to drink their way through a fight with their friend.

"No you're not. Come on. We're leaving." Danny tugged on their elbow, bringing LaFontaine to their feet, where they wavered slightly and fell down against Danny's arm. The knot of worry in Danny's chest tightened. She had invited LaFontaine to give them a distraction from their fight, but they seem to have looked for consolation in the bottom of a drink instead of in the diversion of a party. "Perry's gonna kill me." She muttered to herself.

"S'okay. Perry won't find out. We're not talking right now because she thinks I'm a freak."

Danny looked sadly at her friend, hearing the pain behind the slurred words. "She's just confused, Laf. She'll come around. Come on. Let's get in the car."

* * *

 Perry had read through all the links LaFontaine sent her about trans people and nonbinary genders. Everything was slowly starting to make sense, but it was a lot to take in at once. Especially about someone she had known for so long. She was lying in her bed, trying to sort out her thoughts.

Perry liked things knowing where things belonged. She liked the things around her organized into places and people organized into groups. Of course, she knew that people were all different, but knowing what groups they were a part of let her start to make sense of a person. What major someone was, what clubs they were in, what gender someone was, all that helped her think about people. Except now her best friend wasn't the gender she had thought they were. And they weren't even a gender Perry knew anything about. She wasn't sure if it would have been better or worse if LaFontaine had been male. The whole thing was making her head hurt.

As confusing as this all was, fighting with her best friend was definitely worse. She resolved to talk to LaFontaine in the morning and tell her that she wanted to work it out. Closing her laptop and setting it on her desk, Perry began to get ready for bed.

* * *

 "Where's your key, Laf?"

"I dunno. I think it's in one of my pockets."

Danny sighed, realizing that LaFontaine really wasn't going to be able to get the door unlocked on their own. She reached into Laf's pockets, finding them in the second one she tried. Unlocking the door, she gave Laf a gentle push towards the bed. LaFontaine stumbled over to the bed, laying down fully clothed and curling into a ball. "'m just gonna go to sleep now. Maybe I won't be a freak when I wake up."

"You're not a freak." Danny recognized the self loathing in Laf's statement from nights crying herself to sleep when she'd first realized she was bisexual.

"'kay, if you say so." Laf obviously haven't taken Danny's words to heart. "Thanks for the ride. I'm just gonna go to sleep now."

"No you're not. You're going to drink some water. And I'm staying. You're too drunk for me to leave." "But don't you have to go back to the party?" "I have to stay here and look after you. There's a few other drivers." Danny pulled out her phone to let the other Summer Society girls know she wasn't coming back. She couldn't leave her friend alone like this. Emotional distress aside, they really had had too much to drink. She wondered if they had done this before. Danny frowned, concern creasing her brow.

* * *

 Perry woke to thuds outside her window. Confused, she rolled over and threw on a bathrobe. She was just going to the window to try and figure out what was going on when someone knocked on her door. Opening it, she found two slightly drunk looking freshman with frightened expressions. She looked at them blearily, not quite awake yet and still feeling unsettled from the day's events. "What do you need, girls?"

"We were at a party, and then the alchemy club showed up, and there was fog and everything was kinda confusing…" Perry looked at them, confused about why they had come to her. That sounded like a pretty typical party at Silas.

The other girl broke in. "We were there with Alice, but we don't know where she went. We thought she'd just gotten split up from us but she won't answer her phone or text us back or anything."

A cold feeling came over Perry. Alice was another freshman off her floor, an energetic English major that always came to floor events. "I'll make some calls. Let me know if you hear from her, alright?"

They still looked frightened, but they nodded. "Okay. Tha-anks." Perry knew she should probably try to comfort them, but she just didn't know what to do right now. She liked helping freshman adjust to Silas, but she couldn't even keep track of her own life right now, let alone deal with everyone else's weird.

Perry turned back into her room, closing the door behind her. Trying to keep her mind clear of the impending panic, she took out her cell phone and sent off a few texts. At most colleges, she would've talked to campus security, but this was Silas, so she texted Kirsch and Danny and asked them to tell the rest of the Zetas and Summer Society girls, and sent off a quick message to Laura. Now that she'd done all she could think to, she sunk down against her wall, tucking her knees to her chest and feeling waves of anxiety rise up inside her.

Her breathing quickened and her legs began to shake. She began flicking her hands in the air next to her face, the motion helping her calm her thoughts, but not enough. Trying to control her breathing, she reached into her desk, wrapping her fingers around the cool metal object. She instantly felt calmer, and the flicker of concern at that was almost immediately overcome by another wave of panic. Almost without thinking, she brought the razor blade in her hand against her leg, dragging it across and watching the thin red line appear. While the sharp pain and the sight of blood helped ground her, bringing her out of the spiral of anxiety, the panic was replaced with guilt and worry that someone would find out. If Laf found out… Perry didn't want to think about how they would react. WIth that thought hanging over her, Perry quietly wiped the blade clean and curled up on her bed, hugging a pillow to her chest, crying softly as she drifted back into a fitful sleep.

* * *

 LaFontaine glared at Danny as they drank what felt like the hundredth cup of water she'd handed them. "'m fine, really."

"You're going to be after some water and sleep. Well, not fine exactly. You're going to have a monster hangover, but that's what you get. What were you thinking, anyways? You know better than to drink that much."

"I was just tryin' not to think."

"So you decided to get dangerously drunk? LaFontaine, you can't do things like that!" Danny broke off when she realized she was shouting, but it really had been a spectacularly stupid stunt, especially for someone as smart as LaFontaine.

"I guess I wasn't thinking very well to start with." LaFontaine was beginning to look sheepish, but Danny knew they weren't nearly sober enough to have a serious conversation with yet.

"No, you weren't. Well, you're okay now. I'm sleeping here for a bit to make sure you're alright, but I have to leave early in the morning so I'll probably be gone when you wake up. Text me when you're up, okay?" "

"kay." LaFontaine was halfway out of their jeans and vest before Danny finished talking, and was drifting off to sleep in their boxers and t-shirt shortly after.

* * *

 The soft knocking on the door woke Perry out of her fitful sleep. She rolled out of bed, blinking blearily as she pulled on a pair of sweats over the shorts she'd been sleeping in. The sight of the red line on her leg made her uneasy, but she pushed that feeling down and focused on composing herself enough to deal with whoever was at her door. Perry glanced in her mirror to make sure her expression was sufficiently normal, which was easy enough since her face tended to go blank when she was worried. She opened the door to find LaFontaine standing in the hall wearing nothing but a t-shirt, boxers, and sunglasses.

"LaFontaine? What are you doing here? And why are you wearing sunglasses?"

Laf looked at the ground, bouncing slightly on the balls of their feet. "Hangover." They muttered, looking embarrassed. "And… I wanted to talk to you. I don't want to fight."

"Did you go out last night?" "Yeah. And… I kinda drank more than I should've. I'm fine." They said quickly, seeing the concern in Perry's eyes. "Danny took care of me."

"You can't do things like that!" Concern for her friend rose up in Perry's stomach. She knew LaFontaine had trouble at parties, and that sometimes alcohol made it easier for them, and she knew too well where that could easily lead...

"I know. I'm sorry. Last night was just rough and I was trying to take my mind off things…"

Seeing her friend standing there, looking so uncomfortable, a feeling of shame washed over Perry. "Come on in." She ushered LaFontaine into the room, closing the door behind them. "I don't want to fight anymore." She whispered. "I'm sorry I took everything so badly."

"It's okay. I know it's hard. Just… can we be friends again? Everything is so confusing right now and-" LaFontaine choked back a sob. "You've always been the one constant in my life. I can't take you being a variable too."

Perry smiled through her tears. That statement was just so Laf. Even at a time like this, making bad jokes about science. "I want to be friends again too, LaFontaine."

Laf smiled at the name. "Did you…"

"Read the links. Yeah. I don't understand everything yet, but… I don't want to hurt you. I'm doing my best."

LaFontaine hugged Perry tightly. "That's all I ask. I don't really understand everything yet either. That's why I need you."

"I need you too, and I want you to be happy." Perry held her friend tightly, head resting on their shoulder.

LaFontaine broke the hug first, leaning back and laughing slightly. "Look at us. It's too early in the morning for this. Especially with my head feeling the way it does. We should go back to bed."

Laf started towards the door to return to their room but Perry stopped them. "Stay here?"

They looked at Perry for a moment, unsure. "Okay." They said softly.

Perry started to take off their sweats, remembering halfway through the motion the marks on her legs. She froze, sweats around her knees, a few thin scars and red marks showing below the bottom of her shorts. LaFontaine looked at her legs, unsure how to react. "Perr… What happened?" Perry's breaths began coming quicker, panic rising inside her again. She had always been afraid this would happen, but was never really sure how LaFontaine would react. LaFontaine laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Perry, it's okay."

"I'm sorry." Perry was crying again between panicky breaths.

"Perr, you don't need to be sorry. It's okay, Perr." Laf slowly rubbed Perry's arm, repeating her name and trying to get her to focus on them. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, but… Why, Perr?" LaFontaine's voice broke.

"I don't know." The pitch of Perry's voice rose rapidly as she spoke. "Everything just gets overwhelming and it helps me think." She flopped herself down onto her bed, burying her face in her pillow.

LaFontaine sat down next to them on the bed, continuing to rub her arm. "If everything is so overwhelming, why don't you get some help, Perry? Talk to me. Or talk to someone at student counseling."

Breathing deeply to try and calm herself, Perry slowly sat up, digging her fingers into her arm to ground herself. "I'll go to student counseling…" She said slowly. "If you'll go to them too."

LaFontaine shifted uncomfortably. "Why would I go?"

"Laf, how many drinks did you have last night?"

"Too many." They admitted sheepishly. "You have a lot going on too, and… you're not really dealing with it any better than I am. We should both go and get help."

Meeting her eyes, LaFontaine nodded slowly. "Alright. Tomorrow, though. We've already had two heavy conversations today and it's not even noon yet. Let's go back to bed."

LaFontaine laid down next to Perry and held out held out her arms tentatively, unsure how to proceed. Looking at their extended arms for a second, Perry turned her back to LaFontaine and snuggled up against them, falling asleep in their arms.


End file.
